Makeup Free Monday – Take that Anxiety!

**⚠️ Raw Post** Makeup free Monday! Before I embarked on this journey to self love and a healthier happier version of me YOU WOULD NOT catch me without mascara on, usually foundation and gloss too BARE MINIMUM… most days it was full face makeup from morning to night, it was so important to me to not be seen without my makeup that I would do it while driving even 😱 or before I would get out of bed when staying with friends or with house guests, before leaving the tent in the morning while camping…I didn’t want anyone to actually see ME. Now don’t get me wrong, I still LOVE makeup and using it and getting all dolled up, probably more than the next gal 😉 BUT I wasn’t using it to get “dolled up” or even to get ready for the day…I was using it as a mask, to cover years of acne, internal anxiety and depression and a whole heck of a lot of self doubt and loathing. My plan was to present a put together sunny face so people wouldn’t be tempted to look too much deeper and see all the jagged, broken, not so pretty pieces inside 💔 And it was working pretty well at keeping people at bay, even the people closest to me had no idea what I was struggling with, and for some of them this may be the first time they learn of it. But anxiety and depression had their claws in me and there were days I wouldn’t even look in mirrors, I literally would brag about being able to do my makeup without looking in a mirror but the only reason I knew how to do that was because I hated looking at myself so much that I would refuse to do it, but I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my “mask” of makeup so I learned how to do it without my reflection, because I couldn’t trust my refection, it had led me astray before and I just knew it was lying to me every time I thought I looked okay or had a semi-positive thought about myself.
There are so many reasons I thought I was broken, unworthy, “ugly” and most of them start from my earliest memories of being teased at school and have been “compound fractures” of my self esteem through years of anxiety and people pleasing… BTW if you haven’t figured it out yet, you can’t find self worth in pleasing others 😉 If someone could have shared that with me 20 years ago my journey would look a lot different. Self worth comes from exactly where it says it does, yourself! And you get there by working on YOU not by pleasing others, over achieving or “looking” put together. You get there by shining light on the broken, dark and HARD as fuck to look at crap in your baggage and calling it out and taking its power away! You get there by finding a way to love yourself in spite of and even in thanks to, your struggles and pain. You get there by recognizing you want more for yourself and being willing to work hard to get it! These are not easy things, and in some cases they feel downright impossible BUT I promise you that once you decide you are worth it, once YOU DECIDE to find a way to work towards healing your wounds, once YOU DECIDE to own all your pieces, broken or whole, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO BE YOUR TRUE SELF and that true self is beautiful with broken edges that have been soldered back together and jagged pieces that are sharp but stunning when the sunlight hits them, like a stained glass window made of a thousand tiny pieces all different shapes and sizes, imagine if you blacked out and covered half the picture, you would be depriving people of its true beauty! That is YOU, a thousand shapes and colors and sizes and when you let the light shine into all of them you are a stunning piece of art worthy of affection and love and don’t deprive the world of your unique beauty!
So today is makeup free Monday in my house and I am stepping out and sharing my bare skin, no mascara, no mask…just me because anxiety and depression are some of my jagged pieces but I’m taking back the power and shining the light on them and honestly, when I started this “weight loss journey” I never would have imagined the biggest transformation would be in my mind… I don’t hate my reflection, I actually am pretty proud of who I am and even what I look like, and those are words I NEVER thought I would speak, let alone without makeup on 😉 So don’t let the world break you down and tell you how to look and feel, own your pain, your struggles and your demons because they are part of your story, they are part of you, and you are enough, you are amazing, and you deserve your very best life…don’t waste this short time we have hiding who you are, step into the light and be unapologetically YOU, life is too short to live it trying to meet someone else’s standards. Don’t waste your precious time, spend it learning to love yourself for all that you are and go after all that you want for yourself because you can be and do anything when you are wholeheartedly yourself ❤❤❤❤

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